The fallout from an affair is still being felt and it’s not healthy just to wait around anticipating being separated, says Mariella Frostrup. Is it time to move on?
The dilemma I’ve been with my partner for 12 years; I’m 33 and he’s 38. On the surface our relationship seems fine – we spend time together and don’t argue – but I don’t feel emotionally close to him. I think it’s because of him having an affair five years ago – I have had to harden up so that I can cope on my own when he inevitably cheats again. We had counselling and I tried to move on, but I still find myself thinking about it every day. The trust has gone. We’re a good match in outlook on life – neither of us wants marriage or children. But my partner doesn’t share my main interest, which is the outdoors, and this is holding me back from enjoying myself, as I don’t want to go walking on my own or with a group of strangers. Am I being unreasonable? I don’t know what love is meant to feel like after 12 years. I don’t feel we are “soulmates”. Does it mean I don’t love him any more? I’ve not talked to him about any of this as I want to be more certain of my own thoughts and feelings before I open “Pandora’s box”.
Mariella replies The lid is off. Though much of what you describe here are just the side effects of long-term cohabitation, in your case there are additional elements. The fallout from his affair has definitely not receded into the past. It’s not healthy just to be waiting for him to do it again while anticipating the separation so vividly that you’ve emotionally prepared yourself. It’s certainly a lot to do with him and his choice to be unfaithful, but you also have to take some of the blame for where you are five years down the line. If you can’t forgive him, or move on past that unfortunate period, then there really is little point in staying together. A watching and waiting game is unhealthy for all concerned and if you don’t see any chance of your feelings changing, I would seriously consider moving on.
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