I can bring myself to climax on my own, but I feel so much pressure when I’m with another person that I end up pretending. How can I communicate my needs?
I have never had an orgasm with another person, from penetrative sex or otherwise, although I can bring myself to climax. I recently promised myself that I would stop faking orgasms; although I get satisfaction from the pleasure it gives partners, it doesn’t fully satisfy me. But I am having trouble, as they always ask: “Did you come?” This puts pressure on me – and then I know it won’t happen, so I feel I have to fake it. If I felt able to enjoy myself without time pressures and expectations, I think I would be more likely to orgasm. Is it possible to communicate this without damaging egos or admitting that I have faked it? And how do I communicate that it should take them a lot longer than 10 minutes?
You are not alone; many women find themselves stuck in such a pattern. I understand that you want to change this but it would be unwise to try to do it suddenly or make a rash “confession”. So far you have restricted the amount of pleasure you receive in favor of expediency, and it’s certainly time to reverse that. I recommend you embark on a plan that involves making incremental changes. Instead of stressing about whether you can orgasm, focus on some small goals such as increasing the amount of pleasure you receive by, say, one minute each time you make love. Make a list of things you would really like your partner to do and be brave enough to ask for something extra you crave each time you are together. You can best effect these gradual changes by being very specific in what you ask for, patiently guiding him and helping him to understand that in order to climax, most women require direct clitoral stimulation. Reward him with praise (and perhaps reciprocation) when he gets it right. Take the time to teach any partner exactly what feels good and how they should treat you generally. They will appreciate this, and will become even more excited by genuine signs that you are highly aroused. And you deserve quid pro quo.
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