You can’t take away her pain but you can provide a listening ear, Mariella Frostrup tells a woman who is worried she has nothing to offer a bereaved friend
The dilemma I’ve never been one of those women who has intense female friendships. I have not been anyone’s bridesmaid. I don’t get called when there is a crisis. The boyfriend of my oldest – and one of my closest – friends, died suddenly last spring, just before they were due to move in together. It has been utterly devastating. He was the best man she had been with for a long time, if not ever, and it happened barely a year into their relationship.
To start with, I used to see her every couple of weeks and text her nearly every day. This continued for a while, although I wasn’t there for some big moments because I didn’t know what questions to ask or what I could do besides being a listening ear. But since telling her I would be moving in with my own boyfriend, our communication has dropped off. I was dreading telling her because she’d been upset about another friend’s engagement. I miss her so much, but understand the developments in my own life might remind her of what she has lost and make things worse. She is getting bereavement counselling and seeing other friends. I’m worried that because I am quite a closed-off person I will lose a wonderful friend. Is this a case of “If you love them, let them go”? Should I embrace the selfish feelings I am having and get on with my life?
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