Why do you feel the need to rush into marriage when you’re not sure either, wonders Mariella Frostrup
The dilemma I’m 29 years old, child-free, and I’m about to propose to the love of my life. She is 36 and I know without a doubt that she would make a perfect wife. However, there is one thing I have to come to terms with. I grew up in a big family and always thought I would inevitably become a father, but my would-be fiancée decided in her early 20s that she would be perfectly happy not having kids at all. She grew up in a broken home and hasn’t had the best of lives, yet she’s loving, compassionate and sweet. I’m not sure if I really want to have kids myself, but there’s a part of me that wonders if I’d be missing out on something. After all, without children we’d be able to become independently wealthy, retire younger and travel wherever, whenever. I just don’t want to have any regrets a few years down the road. I feel like my family has placed the expectation on me to have a child and carry on the family name, but when I’m around my nieces I’m perfectly happy just being an uncle, being able to interact with them and then passing them back to my sister. I’m just a little lost, so any insight you could give me would be greatly appreciated.
Mariella replies That’s a real conundrum. I’m glad to see you’re giving it a lot of thought, as it’s an area which it is imperative you agree on if you’re committing for the long term. Not that I think you have to get contractual on your future hopes and dreams, but an aspiration to evolve and make choices together has to be part of any enduring relationship. You are definitely right on the many pluses of choosing not to procreate. Along with the financial upside and freedom it allows, there are also negative side effects – contributing to population growth, bringing innocents into an uncertain world, the increasingly unstable future and the decades of responsibility. Truly, when you look forensically at the pros and cons of parenting, there’s little that is tangible to compel any sensible person to go for it. But billions of us do. The desire to have a family tends to creep up on you and it’s almost impossible to predict whether or not it will become a priority later.
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